Some sugar in the morning
you were not welcomed at all. I was never prepared to receive the hard truths which I had admittedly hoped wouldn’t happen – at least not this year. I lined you up with monthly events, trying to be in total control of them so that I wasn’t going to be blindsided. And even if I was going to be, I was hoping that the areas which I thought I had control over would compensate for those which I didn’t. As with any cliché year-end reflections, I know that there were its ups and downs. The downs pushed me to a point where I was calling suicide hotlines – I never felt so honest to a total stranger before. The sentimental had me reviewing memory after memory, sieving through and deciding whether or not it was even helpful to go there. I was learning to find closure in my memories when life in the present did not give me closure.
As I recap on everything that has happened in 2016, I will acknowledge with gratitude that you weren’t all that bad. There were gains in spiritual growth, professionalism, perspective, friendships, family, and travels. I am sure anyone would say that if not for the lows, you would not be able to recognize the highs; but I don’t know if I’d like to be put through the ordeals in order to gain what I have. I know that the common notion is that every person / experience is a learning lesson; Therefore I thank you, 2016, for making it one of the years I have learnt a lot.
I hope that 2017 will not be as dark as you were; but then again, if I had really learned anything from this year, is that God is always sovereign and that I should give up trying to be in control with the finite mind I have.
I didn’t think that in the midst and process of finding myself and healing, I’d lose friends whom I thought would stick by. Sometimes “love” is a such a tricky thing.
when I was asked what I wanted in a partner, all I could think about was what you were like to me.
you know you’re a lazy grouch when you hear the children trick-or-treating next door and you stealthily turn off your lights to pretend you’re not at home so that you wouldn’t have to put on any pants or rummage through your pantry to provide candy. #lifehackedmaybe
“I am going to be married before I turn 25!” I remember exclaiming to a classmate of mine in primary school.
By the time I turned 18, I remembered having little fear about transitioning to adulthood. I thought that I was pretty confident about who I was and what I had to offer to any university or organization or anyone. I had average academic qualifications which I thought would be compensated by the fact that I was heavily involved in extra-curricular activities.
When I turned 22 I freaked out at the thought that I was about closing in on turning 25 and could not bear the thought of being married and settling down at that early an age. I mean, those sort of situations belong to my grandparents’ era and was definitely not part of mine.
In contrast, the years leading up to turning 25 has really been a roller coaster ride. There are experiences that I had never thought would happen to me, and choices that I have made that would, at times, hurt. And this is not including the choices that others have made and the situations I have been thrown into where I am still trying to breathe. I don’t remember being told that turning 25 would be this hard! I had thought that I would be elated at the new found freedom and prepared to take on life’s challenges.
I am not the person I had thought I would evolve into. And to show kindness and gentleness towards the person I am today can be a constant struggle, especially since I am not living up to my expectations. I have come to realise that I have been so inwardly harsh and unwilling to accept part of who I am today is a result of my doing. I mean, do my choices make me, or do I make the choices?
There are, however, a few things I am sure of, at my 25th year mark:
- God is greater than the most highs and the deepest lows;
- I love my family and am (too) obsessed with them – their opinion matters but is not the ultimate;
- Friends are chosen family members – and I will always do what I can to keep them, even when they blatantly want to leave (so are they still my friends?);
- I love traveling solo but am also opened to traveling with people with similar interests (or are accommodating to my interests);
- I will always sit on the right side of the bus (the left side makes me uncomfortable);
- I overthink (a lot);
- I love buying books (even if I don’t end up reading them);
- I binge;
- I romanticise things (thanks Disney);
- I am afraid of heights but I would gladly do roller coasters;
- I am never comfortable in the water;
- I am willing to see the goodness in people but react drastically when I experience the opposite (see point 9);
- I express my deep affection for people in a way that I would like to experience, even if it inconveniences me or they won’t appreciate so (treat others the way you’d treat yourself hey?);
- I love listening to hearty laughters;
- I am (too) sentimental (and tend to live in the past);
- I love doing anything sporty but can at times be lazy as fuck;
- I love the smell of cooked rice;
- I love Japanese and Italian cuisines;
- I hate the smell of rain (and the humidity that follows it);
- Cooking I am willing but baking not so much;
- Hosting I enjoy but the stress prior to the event is what I actually thrive on;
- I indulge in spontaneity but am uncomfortable with impulsive purchases (are these characteristics even similar?); and,
- I adore inspirational, meaningful movies and hate ambiguous endings (I do not deal well with lack of closure);
- Managing time isn’t my forte; and,
- I will always love celebrating my birthday, even if I dislike the part where people sing to me the birthday song.
So while I drag my feet to the quarter century mark, I hope that in the midst of finding my footing in this life, I will remember to stop to smell the roses.